Where Did the Romance Go?

Most of us go into marriage with lofty dreams: we’ve fallen head over heels in love, and what could be better than spending the rest of our lives with the one we love the most? But if we’re not intentional about keeping the romance alive, it will be no surprise to wake up one day wondering why we’re married in the first place! 

Daniel and I have spoken to many couples who had sparks in their eyes during the early stages of marriage but were now glaring daggers at each other. And I admit, none of us are immune! I remember when our first three children were below school age. It seemed as though all my days were one diaper change after another, one howling kid after another! Daniel was hardly home during that time, and when he was, I was all exhausted and cranky, and would snap at him over just about anything. That certainly was not the picture either of us had imagined when we said “I do!”

In this post, we want to look at a few reasons why many of us struggle to stay in love with our spouse. But first, let’s get this straight: it’s not your fault of your spouse’s fault: usually, we are caught unawares by the changes in our life seasons. But by shedding light on these things, we hope that we can encourage you to be more intentional at cultivating the romance in your relationship.

There's nothing wrong with loving or taking care of our children or our parents, but our partner should always take precedence over all these other people in our lives.
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Top 5 Reasons Couples Can Lose the Spark

Here are what we believe are the top 5 reasons married couples drift away from each other:

1. We stop dating each other.  

Part of what fuels romance before marriage and the early phases of marriage is that we spend a lot of time with just the two of us. This focused time is crucial in cultivating intimacy. Many people, once married, stop taking time off to spend with each other. If you are one of these, we encourage you to start setting aside regular date time.

For Daniel and me, our household of 6 children is always rowdy and chaotic, and we need to be intentional about leaving the noise behind and spend time with each other. We usually do this by taking a walk a few blocks down to a hawker centre. Then we sit down for tea and talk heart-to-heart. This fills up both of our love tanks, energising us to go back to our life assignments!

2. We start putting other people ahead of each other.

Sometimes, we are not aware when we already start putting other things ahead of our spouse. It can be good things, too, such as our children, siblings, or our parents! There’s nothing wrong with loving or taking care of our children or our parents, but our partner should always take precedence over all these other people in our lives. We were designed to prioritise our spouse above all else.

When other people take first place in our hearts, it can cause a lot of strife between husband and wife. For example, when the husband or wife listens more to his or her parents than his or her spouse, boundaries need to be set in place.

3. We stop getting to know each other.

One reason we lose interest in another person is when the relationship becomes stale or boring. And this happens when everything feels routine! This is the reason why we encourage couples to keep getting to know each other.

We believe that each person is a deep well that can bring out untold riches and treasures. The question is whether someone is willing to dig them out! Even if you’ve lived with your spouse for decades, there’s still so much more beneath the surface that you can find out!

If you don’t believe us, check out our FREE E-BOOK, 101 Questions, as conversation starters for your marriage relationship. 

4. We get too busy pursuing other things.

Sometimes, our priorities move from our marriage, not to children or people, but to intangible things, such as money, power, fame, or our careers. Again, these are not wrong in themselves, but they need to take a back seat to our focus on our spouse.

We’ve heard many a heartbreaking story of marriages that crumble because one of the parties has been always away on business trips and they have drifted apart. Some of these stories include estranged children, and that doesn’t make things any easier. We understand that some jobs do require time away, and we believe it’s about being intentional at prioritising marriage and choosing the things that truly matter.

5. We let other people affect our relationship.

Yes, other people can play a part in improving or worsening our view of each other! True friends will help you grow closer as a couple. Sometimes, when couples have issues, it’s easy to turn to other people and have a pity party. However, this can escalate into something else; many affairs have been found to start from what seems to be “innocent” friendship. Check out our post on most common myths about affairs to equip yourself!

Intentionally Kindle Romance in Your Marriage

All that to say, we believe we all need to be intentional about fanning the flame of love in our marriage. It doesn’t have to be dramatic; instead, we encourage you to take the little, daily steps, and in time, it will bear fruit. No matter how far you feel you may have drifted apart, a baby step in the right direction will bring you closer to your goal!

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