Debunking 5 Myths About Sex in Marriage

The topic of sex can cause people to feel uncomfortable. In fact, even married couples in more conservative cultures like traditional Asian families tend to shy away from talking about it.

More than a decade after Daniel and I got married, we attended a marriage course that included being open and transparent about our feelings and preferences when it comes to physical intimacy. I must admit, it felt awkward at first. It was also a time where we uncovered some of our disappointments and challenges related to sex in marriage. But learning to talk about it was a breakthrough for us as a couple.

That was when we realised that many married couples struggle with the topic of sex, and that it causes them to miss out on an important aspect of intimacy designed for marriage.
In the context of the lifelong commitment within marriage, physical intimacy is meant as a way for the couple to connect at another level.
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5 Myths About Sex in Marriage

In this post, we hope to debunk a few myths surrounding sex in marriage:

Myth #1. Sex is dirty.

Truth: Sex is a beautiful gift for husband and wife to enjoy. In the context of the lifelong commitment within marriage, physical intimacy is meant as a way for the couple to connect at another level. The reason why it comes with a connotation of being dirty is because of the rampant occurrence of premarital and extramarital sex. In premarital or extramarital affairs, the sexual act is not covered by the commitment of a lifetime union; this results in the act bringing with it plenty of fears, insecurity, and sometimes even manipulative behaviour.

Myth #2. Only men can enjoy sex.

Truth: This misconception likely arises from the numerous experiences of couples where the husband wants to have sex and the wife is either too tired or not in the mood. The truth is, both men and women are designed to enjoy the physical union; the problem is simply that most women need more time and romance to be fully engaged in the act.

A marriage course we know recommends starting sex first thing in the morning—by making your wife a cup of coffee, or texting her in the middle of the day how she’s doing. These little acts of tenderness plant seeds of romance and intimacy, which will result in a more enjoyable time for both husband and wife.

Myth #3. Men only want to be satisfied sexually and nothing more.

Truth: Husbands want to feel connected physically and emotionally, too. A common misconception is that husbands crave sex more than wives, and that they only want the physical satisfaction. This can sometimes cause wives to struggle with a lack of emotional connection and to feel like they are only being used as objects.

One of our couple friends had a breakthrough in this area: one time, Jane* (names changed to protect privacy) was exhausted at night when her husband Joe wanted to have sex—a common refrain over the months. While they were both frozen in a disagreement, Joe suddenly thought of giving his wife a full-body massage—no strings attached. After the massage, he shared with her that the connection they shared during that special time, even without sexual intercourse, helped strengthen their intimacy.

Myth #4. Only young couples can enjoy sex together.

Truth: We think that sex drive is related to physiological age. Although we agree that our hormone levels change through different life seasons, it’s possible to enjoy sex together even as we grow older. In fact, the increased emotional intimacy between older couples can make the experience even more rewarding.

We know several elderly couples who still attest to enjoying physical intimacy. Of course, it may not be as often as when they were younger, but it can still be a good way to connect.

Myth #5. You don’t talk about sex, you just do it.

Truth: This is a common belief among more conservative cultures. I admit, Daniel and I also had to learn how to talk about sex; but we realised that talking about what we like and don’t like helps us make the most of the experience.

Embracing Sex in Marriage

We hope that this post helps you embrace the gift that sex brings to marriage. If some of these truths are new to you and you don’t feel ready to accept them fully, that’s OK. But we encourage you to have an open mind and see if the truth can make a difference in your sex life as a couple.

If you are having struggles relating to sex with your spouse and would like a counselor to help you sort out your differences, we encourage you to get in touch with us through the Contact Form. We would be glad to help!

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