5 Best Tips for Making Your Spouse Feel Loved

When was the last time you told your spouse “I love you”? Or when was the last time you felt really loved by your spouse?
In our counselling experience, as well as those among other counselors we know, one of the most common foundations of escalating conflict among couples is when one or both parties feel unloved and unappreciated.

When I feel unloved, I tend to be cranky and sensitive. Daniel would scratch his head, not knowing what’s wrong with me, and sometimes I’m not able to identify and articulate it either!

Since then we’ve learned to find ways to be regular and consistent in letting each other feel loved. It’s like depositing in each other’s accounts, so that we always have a source to draw from.

Things that you affirm don't have to be something that your spouse can perform perfectly. Find areas that your spouse may be weak in but has committed to work on.
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5 Best Ways to Make Your Spouse Feel Loved

Here are our best tips for expressing your love to your spouse:

1. Learn your spouse’s love language.

We can say “I love you” until we’re blue in the face but our spouse may not hear it. That’s not to say they’re being hard to please; Gary Chapman has found that every person has their preferred love language, or the way in which they receive the message of love best.

The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and touch.

For example, Daniel feels most loved when I spend quality time with him. That’s why we make it a point to take a walk once in a while and sit down for tea together, just the two of us.

As for me, I feel most loved when he does something to serve me. (I’m not being a prima donna, that’s just the way I’m wired!) But since he doesn’t really enjoy doing household chores, he picks what he thinks is the least disagreeable task, washing the dishes!

2. Express love regularly in their preferred love language.

Once you discover each other’s love language, make it a regular thing to express love in that way. If you need a reminder on your phone to start you off, do it! Some people might say they want to be spontaneous, but until it becomes a habit, use the power of technology to remind you.

For example, if your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, you might set a reminder during lunch break to send a text of appreciation. If it’s quality time, you might want to set a schedule on your weekly calendar where you spend one-on-one time together.

3. Be creative in expression.

Knowing your spouse’s love language and using it is just the first step. Now, if your words of affirmation are the same week in and week out, it will lose its power! Instead, find different ways of expression.

For example, for your words of affirmation spouse, consider keeping an appreciation notebook: everyday, list one to three things you like about them. This way, you will have a source to consult when it comes time to text them an appreciation. You might also vary the way you express your affirmation: you might use text, e-mail, a handwritten note tucked in his lunch, or even a creative message designed on a cupcake!

If your spouse’s love language is gifts, varying the items and the days when you give them adds an element of surprise that can keep the fire kindled.

4. Dialogue constantly for feedback and evaluation.

As you apply the love languages, check and evaluate how your spouse receives them. On some of your date times, be intentional about asking them how filled they feel their love tank is. This helps you evaluate which actions you’ve done have been most effective in making them feel loved. Then you can adjust accordingly.

Also, understand that our love languages sometimes change over time. This constant dialogue will help you and your spouse discover these changes along the way.

5. Have fun in the process!

If you’re not used to it yet, it can feel mechanical at first. Relax and enjoy the privilege of being able to express your love to your spouse, and don’t get too pressured to “perform.”

Remember, the goal is to improve your connection and intimacy by making your partner feel loved.

Fill Your Spouse’s Love Tank

We hope these tips help you get your spouse’s love tank filled and overflowing, and you will both reap the benefits. In fact, when you both feel loved, you will find it easier to take care of the kids and be nice to other people as well.

If you need ideas for connecting more intimately with your spouse, check out some of our resources, such as our 101 Questions conversation starter, which you may download from our Publications page.

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